*********Readers this is the blog to be revised************
1. What areas were descriptive enough or the most descriptive? Are there parts that need description, if so, then what kind?
2. What areas are you curious to know more about? What areas are you not more curious to know more about?
So, we treked all over L.A. that day; myself, my step-brother, and my sister Monique. We drove there ina silver, shiny Chrysler Sebring. In this Sebring, the wind leeches in and grabs you like Ursula, the evil octopus from The Liitle Mermaid. Her tentacles grab and press down on all your survival orphaces. She strangles you.
...this trip wasn't supposed to be a business trip, or so we were told. When we got there, is when we were informed that this trip was, in fact, one of my stepmom's business trips. We all love food; my stepbrother, sister, and I. We planned on eating at Pink's, a hot dog stand that has been around since the 1930's. We found out about this place on the food network. It was so exciting that we went. We stayed right next to Disneyland, but we decided to take the rental car up to L.A. instead. It was funny, because the only reason we went up to Los Angeles was to eat at this dinky little place. We didn't go to eat at some fancy place or go to some fancy schmnacy store. No, we just went to eat some hot dogs. When we got there, the saturated smell of hot dogs handled the air. We waited in the hot sun for two hours in this cloud of fried food. There were about seven people working and they were all sweating. There was a short, tired, hispanic woman that gracefully took our order, I think she was in fighter-pilot mode. We ordered four hot dogs with modifications, onion rings, and fries. She remembered it all, she then filled her order all by herself, and we had our food when she herself was done making it. This to me was amazing customer service, because it was done effectively and no one was sucking up to me. IT was so real
It was definitely worth the plane ride, the walking, the LA freeway driving, and the two-hour wait in the hot sun.
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5 comments:
The blog is most descriptive during the actual experience at Pink's. But it could use a little more expansion on the part talking about how the trip was a business trip of your step mothers. It doesn't really show how that ties in with the rest of the story.
I'd like to know more about the lady in "fighter pilot mode." that seems like it could be a brilliant description, yet what exactly fighter pilot mode is, gets lost.
the end.
In retrospect, maybe more about the journey to pink's would be good too. The build up to the experience itself ya know? It's said that it's the journey, not the destination that matters, so fill in a little more of the adventure of discovering the restaraunt on food network to getting there in the silver chrysler that makes air grab you like ursula. I read to get lost in a story, and the minute details help that happen.
I think the center of gravity inthis essay is joy and the joy I felt when I hung out with y younger siblings in L.A. IT was also a very sad and disturbing time because my stepmom didn't tell us she was on a business trip and she had put my dad in jail the night before. I don't think I wanted to expand on it, because it is so...scary. IT unleashes very intense feeling of both sorrow and joy. So, I get writers block. I think what I need to do is WRITE it all down. And then sift through it. Writing is a way for me to solve problems, when I leave them inmy head, Iforget all the details. And now that I think of it, that's human nature; there is no such thing as a learner that learns best while thinking.....think about it. I think that I wrote for me in this one, as a warm-up to introduce concepts and later expand on them. This is a great way to look at drafts. And I am happy that I got feedback because I can now complete this piece based on what my audience thought....and Another thing to remember is that I wrote this for an audience, so their opinions are very meaningful.
So, I am sorry that the writing was not more descriptive, only because I wanted to really put across my feelings about this event. Basically, this event was huge and a lot of emotions were involved. I am so trained in obeying authority and not thinking for myself from public school that I tried to encompass the entire story into the blog over 15 minutes. In public school we are told what to do, treated like children and expected to act like adults and as a result we don't listen to ourselves. We don't listen to ourselves because we are told that we are wrong and creativity is out of the question because that would mean questioning authority, and we were all taught that authority is superior and they know just what they are doing. So, the concept that kids have nothing important to say and we must reject our urges to play and "behave." the truth is, is that we may have had 15 minutes to write this blog, but the time we have to write is from the start of the assignment to when it is due...and I am a good writer. I can write very well, sentence-by-sentence if I try. I think I just lost faith in my own strategy and decided that I needed to write somethign and have it done and complete by a certain time just for the sake of completeing the assignment...but like CH 9 said, when we write for ourselves it becomes more. This is what I need to work on. Yes, I need to meet deadlines and turn things in, but I need to think about my readers so that whatever I present to them to read is my best effort so I get useful advice. This piece is so indescriptive, vauge and needs to be presented to others, not just to myself. It's time to break the mold, listen to myself, write FOR myself because i want to learn what I want to learn in the way that works best for MYSELF. And there are no boundaries, and I can express myself. This is not elementary school, I must remind myself, where I was always told that skipping and running is bad and that questioning authority is bad. No. I wrote the zero, Now I have a set of suggestions and I will use them and I am warmed up now from that draft to build off of that blueprint. I am finding more and more how important revision is.
So my plan is to look at every sentence and clarify it, expand on it, and fatten it up. I introduced events but did not really explain them, this is quite common among soem of my peers. I see the zero-draft as my brain-storming period, and like you said Liz, teetering on finding my center of gravity. I think I found it, and it took some serious digging. I now plan to excavate my essay so that what I want to say is clear to me and my readers.
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